nuno (wish3r) wrote,
nuno
wish3r

Normalizing

Three years from my last post here.

That post was the beginning of the end: it was the day that darkness completely took power of me and I prepared a wonderfull gin tonic with poison that I could not drink it. Instead, I took so many pills that I just remenber to woke up at the hospital.

Some more mistakes again, some more waking ups at the hospital, finally go out of my disturbed relationship, got the love and help of my family and started the treatment. Psicanalist sessions, drugs, getting away of everything and trying to restart.

I lost my emotions in the way.

I realized that the friends that once I thought that will be forever, were not.

My heart, then and now, is feeling empty, numb.

Three years after, I stopped the drugs definetely a couple of months ago and I feeling strong again.

No so strong but strong enough to deal with the world.

To surprise of my family, I got back together with the guy that almost made me loose my mind and kill myself. Both of us are different now, we are not the sample people than before and, at that time, it seems possible to completely erase our past of 10 years and start over.

However, it has been a struggle - I must confess. I am trying. Not so completely happy but I am trying.

My nearly death experience made, among other things, to realize that I just need to be myself and care about me and my sanity.

I completely come out to my family: dad and grandmother (of 86 years old that took care of me when I was a child) - surprising it was an easy and so peacefull.

In my village, everyone knows. In fact, I am the president of a local association of sports and culture and I am gay and doing a fucking great job overthere.

Our sexual orientation doesn't define us, it is our personality, work and dedication.

At least, it is my contribution to my community to tell everyone that to be gay is ok, we are no less or more than the other people. I hope that my example can bring some peace of mind to some kids - the example that I did not had when I grew up.

I know that I am not perfect, nor my life - but I am working on it.

"Normalizing does not doom you to mediocrity. It allows you to live long enough to do your best work."
in the script of "Black Box", episode 1 – season 1, written by Amy Holden Jones.
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